Mixed Signals
Ok, I admit it. I've always hated Apple products. From their cheesy hipster marketing ploys to their overinflated price tags, I've never understood what the yuppies are so enamored with. I guess some people genuinely enjoy paying an extra $1,000 presumably for the sole purpose of telling everyone else about it. Yes, over the years I've heard it all: Apple products are safer, they don't get viruses, they look classier, they're technologically superior machines, and their glistening white color matches the cups of those $10 lattes from Starbucks. While all of these claims are debatable at best (minus the Latte comparison), I finally feel justified after years of guzzling Apple flavored haterade. It seems Jobs and company are being sued, again, this time for deliberately manufacturing a faulty product. Excuse me while I giggle. Tee hee hee. Read about it from an unbiased source here:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ytech_gadg/20100701/tc_ytech_gadg/ytech_gadg_tc2993
Allow me to explain. The plaintiffs, Linda Wrinn and Kevin McCaffrey, were loyal iPhone fans. They preordered their iPhone 4s only to find that the latest incarnations of Apple's famous gadget suffer from even more severe signal problems than the previous 3 models. At least they didn't have to wait in line for hours like many other Apple evangelists. After a week of dropped calls and inaccurate indicators of signal strength, the pair decided to sue Apple for intentionally ignoring an blatant defect, violating its own warranty, the diminished value of their phones, and putative damages. They are also seeking class action status, which would open the door for nearly any iPhone user to join in the fun of another massive corporate take-down. As we speak, countless copycat suits are springing up across the nation. Clearly, Wrinn and McCaffrey are an inspiration to frustrated consumers everywhere.
Tech experts claim the trouble indeed stems from the antenna, which wraps around the sides of the rectangular appliance. Obviously, blocking the antenna interferes with its functionality; in this case, simply holding the phone in your hand will prevent it from working properly. Of course, iPhone users always have the option of dangling the device within earshot with a piece of twine, although this might be a tad cumbersome in public places.
Predictably, Apple is behaving like a schizophrenic slowly being forced to accept the crippling reality of its own delusions. At first, they seemed to be suffering from an extreme case of denial. There was nothing wrong with the antenna, they said. Mr. Jobs himself stated that this wasn't a big deal. He told his loyal fanbois that they just weren't holding it correctly, as if people were choking their phones for no apparent reason. Besides, the solution sounded simple enough: buy the $30 case along with the $200 or $300 phone and everything would be hunky dory. But Apple quickly discovered that no one wanted to shell out another $30 to get the thing to actually work. To top it off, the company wasn't even willing to offer these so-called "bumpers" to the irate customers hollering at their support staff.
When several studies concluded that even gently cradling the phone disturbed its delicate antenna, they promptly made up something about flawed software. It still wasn't the antenna, they snapped. Their formula for calculating signal strength was inaccurate from the get-go, they muttered, although it's difficult to fathom why they decided that this explanation would somehow save face. But that was days ago. Now the company seems poised to circulate the results of a suspicious study that blames perspiration and salts on people's hands for the signal issues, which conveniently absolves Apple's squeaky clean test labs of any responsibility. In other words, stay tuned folks, because insanity of this magnitude knows no bounds.
This content was created by AI
